buggal's' posts with tag: funny
- Preheat the oven.
- Get out utensils and ingrediants.
- Remove blocks and toy cars from the table.
- Grease pan, crack nuts.
- Measure two cups of flour.
- Remove baby's hands from flour. Wash flour off baby.
- Re-measure the flour.
- Put flour, baking powder and salt in sifter.
- Get dust pan and broom and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked to floor.
- Get another bowl.
- Answer doorbell.
- Return to kitchen.
- Remove baby's hands from bowl.
- Wash baby.
- Answer phone.
- Return.
- Remove baby's hands from bowl. Wash baby.
- Remove 1/4th inch salt from greased pan.
- Look for baby.
- Grease another pan.
- Answer phone again.
- Return to kitchen and find baby.
- Remove his hands from bowl.
- Take up greased pan and find a layer of nut shells in it.
- Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off the table.
- Wash kithen floor, table, walls, and dishes.
- Call bakery.
- Lie down.
Mine - the seat in the car. No, not the window - there are only two of them. Which window seat - they both want the one behind the passenger seat and neither can tell me why. I think it is because I can't reach them to whop them when I am in the passenger seat. Or at least this used to be true when my heart's daughter was allowed to come over. Now that she can't come over things are quieter, but they aren't more pleasant - at least to me. To those of you who are new contacts, my heart's daughter is my step-granddaughter we raised till she was five. Because she was behaving badly (For real - skipping school at six and so on) her counselor or her mother's counselor or someone said she couldn't come over for a non-specified amount of time. Imagine being 6 and not getting to come "home" every weekend like you were used to. It's bad enough you have to live with a mother who tolerates you at best, but to be cut off from the people you think are your parents. She thinks it's because she is a bad person and her mother is letting her. She wants to come "home" for good. Her mother will not even let us come over or talk to her on the phone. My husband does stop by on Fridays and sees her - but I'm not allowed because I am a threat. I'm some kind of "supermom" in my step-daughter's eyes and can't be trusted to see my heart's daughter because I will undermine her. I'm very bitter over this if you can't tell. Please pray that my step-daughter will let my granddaughter start coming over again.
| Category: | Books | | Genre: | Other | | Author: | Jill Conner Browne |
Jill has done it again. You'll be laughing from the introduction to the end! Tells you everything you need to tell your precious child, now that he or she is here, about WHY not to get, herself mainly, pregnant - epismioties and flopping breast figure heavily in. A laugh a minute - heck she packs in four or five a minute. You'll learn stuff even if your kids are up and grown. Read it it's a scream!
 Many of the extraordinary abilities of bats are being designed into a miniature flying robot that the U.S. Army hopes to use for spying on urban combat areas. The spy bat, packed with miniature electronics, would gather data from the sights, sounds and smells it encounters and relay the information back to a soldier in real time, says the University of Michigan News Service. The university received a five-year, $10 million grant to establish a Center for Objective Microelectronics and Biomimetic Advanced Technology – COM-BAT for short – to develop electronics for the four-ounce roboplane they call “the Bat.” The News Service said COM-BAT engineers will work on the sensors, communication tools and batteries for the Bat. They’re planning on tiny cameras for stereo vision, mini-microphones to home in on sounds, and detectors for nuclear radiation and poisonous gases. Low-power miniaturized radar and a super-sensitive navigation system would help the Bat to find its own way at night, just like the creatures it is modeled on. “Bats have a highly-attuned echolocation sense providing high-resolution navigation and sensing ability even in the dark, just as our sensor must be able to do,” said COM-BAT director Kamal Sarabandi. “We’re trying to push the edge of our technologies to achieve functionality that was not possible before.” Echolocation, an exquisitely sensitive biological sonar system, allows the night-flying mammals to hunt and examine their environment by emitting beeping sounds and analyzing the echoes that bounce back from objects in their path. The Bat should be able to handle short-term surveillance in support of advancing soldiers, the university said. Or it could perch unobtrusively on a street post or building and send continuing reports of activity as it takes place. COM-BAT also includes the University of California at Berkeley and the University of New Mexico. The University of Michigan facility is one of four centers the Army launched in a collaborative effort of industry, academia and the Army Research Laboratory to develop this unprecedented robotic aircraft. The News Service said each of the four centers is charged with developing a different subsystem of the bat, “a self-directed sensor inspired by the real thing.”
1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.
2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.
3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.
4. Your back goes out but you stay home.
5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.
6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
8. When happy hour is a nap.
9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..
10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.
11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.
12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.
13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.
16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.
17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
19. Getting "lucky" means you found your car in the parking lot.
20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.
21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.
22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.
23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.
24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.
25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.
26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.
27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. "Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." "Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." "No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
Re this: http://hollyhockfarms.multiply.com/journal/item/236/A_little_Bathroom_Humor_to_Brighten_Someones_day_LOL Hate public restrooms? Well my granddaughter, age 6, has found a way around this - she can "pee like a boy" - I swear - she can direct her stream into the toilet and NOT hit the rim - unlike some MEN we know. It is too, too funny - I should make a tape for GREAT blackmail material later on - "Want to go out tonight? Is your room clean, did you wash the dishes, vacuum, etc?" - "No?" - "Well let me show your date a little film I have of you as a kid!" Would it work?
A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his chest while he is on fire.
No further studies are expected.
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