millions from asbestos exposure, find singles naughty or nice, have a free vacation in CanCun, get a new home or become a police officer in my area.  Wow what wonders you find in your bulk box before you empty it.  I'd try to see if any "real" mail went to my bulk box but I get 500+ a day so if someone misses me they just miss me. 

Both my sisters are running into manic episodes and I am running into a depressed mood.  So we have a gambit of moods in our family - one is putting a knife to her throat and threatening to kill herself - she wants to be hospitalized back up where they lived for a good while - a 4 hour drive from here.  She makes my sister go with her to her appointments every three months - it seems as if she needs a visit now!!!  She better be aware that if she gets PEC'd (physician's emergency certificate) she won't have a choice of where she goes - she'll go to the closest one available!  Part of her is Drama Queen cause she can pull this crazy woman stuff off at my sister's then go home and be "normal" - so she's cruising to get PEC'd here and she won't be happy.  For some reason she wants to be hospitalized.  I can't imagine why (see my blog on my stay).  I never wanna go back and Dr Anal (a diff doc from the last Dr Anal blog - maybe I need to give them numbers) just put me in because it was easier to him than to just talk to me for 10 mins and explain some stuff (again see previous blog on Dr Psycho Anal as opposed to Dr Pain Anal). 

I think my mother's brother is freaking out because he wants OUR pictures (ones from our mother) - like we should just hand them over without looking at them and scanning them and making copies.  He says he doesn't want the copies he wants the real things.  And that we don't care anything about them and only he does.  Seems like maybe a little mental illness runs on our mother's side as well as our father's.  Well, my mom - or I should say ME - went and got all the old pics copied and passed out copies to everyone - so I don't know where he is coming from.  And they (cousins) want us to come sit with him - like they came near our momma when she was dying.  They NEVER even came to visit and we KNEW she was dying - they were all tears and sadness at the funeral, but they couldn't manage a visit before she died!   She (our mom) took food out of our mouths, clothes off our backs and toys off our hands (not literally - but you get the effect) to give to them when we were growing up!!!!  I mean she'd give them more for "santa" than us for "santa".  So they should have felt that they needed to visit mom, but they didn't.  We went to see our uncle for Easter and I need to go back to see him.  He wants this one pic of a dog and my sister found it then our older sister came over to see her (with her ranting and raving) and now the pic is GONE.  My little sis says she took a pic then set her dentures on it and tore it and the said something like she could do with it whatever she wanted because she's the oldest.  It'd be like her to take the pic then blame not being able to find it on my little sis.  She's always been mean.  Well, they are hypomanic and my older sis is moving to manic fast.  Well enough about my lovely family!

I went to pick up my rxs and got signed up for water aerobics.  I start next Tuesday.  Y'all make sure I do.  Heckle me if I don't go.  Well, I'd better close for now.

still awake though I took my meds at 8:30 hoping to be asleep by now.  Have just finished a turkey pot pie witch.  It was pretty good.  The bad thing about staying up late is that I eat.  Well, gonna go get in bed and see if I can fall asleep.  Have lots to do tomorrow - make goodie bags for the Easter Egg hunt for church - so better get sleeping!

When I first went to group I really wanted to talk about what was bothering me, but I found out early on that no one in group wanted to listen to me.  And even the social workers/nurses shushed me.  I had all this pent up stuff I wanted to get out before it started to fester.  Now I don't get to do that.  I ASKED REPEATEDLY for one-on-one counseling and was not told I told arrange or that myself.  They kept saying "Just give group a try" and other such crap!  Now THAT I have a private counselor the urge to get it all out has gone and now I blame "THEM".  I almost hate them for not telling me I could get my own counselor - if they couldn't see my need to talk they must have been blind and now they comment all the time about how much LESS I seem to want to talk - like that's a good thing - BUT I wanted it OUT.  And still do, but it's blocked!  Now it will sit and fester as I won't have the blab factor for my counselor.  I wish to God they would have let me talk then.  Then they "put me in the joint" and I wasn't allowed to talk there either.  So I made myself KMMS signs.  Keep My Mouth Shut.  I had to make them in group first then in the pen too!  I carried my intake paperwork everywhere (which I didn't get the copy of the "welcome to hell" until about my 3rd day there and my fav tech gave me one.  If everyone could have been like him - well the stay wouldn't have been such a hell)  AND if they had given me one-on-one counseling where I could go over and over whatever I wanted to for a long as I NEEDED TO - it wasn't a want it was a need!.  Now I have a private counselor and the blab urge has passed and it won't get out.  I guess I'll have to look in my book and bring it to counseling and read what I wrote out loud - what I wasn't allowed to say - but writing is not the same as telling another person and I have no one to actually talk to - just friends I've made on-line and friends who live far away.  My best friend here in town has only called me once since 2005 - I've called her and we've talked, but every time I call her she is not available or gone or too busy - so I guess I don't have a real best friend down here anymore.  We used to see each other every day as we worked together - but gradually we have lost touch after I had to take the dang medical retirement - or I should say she has lost touch.  She either won't breakdown and get on-line at home (which I can't believe with a 13 y.o.) or she won't get herself an e-mail addy or just won't give it to me.  Work has instituted a "blocker" on employee's e-mail and only institutions can get through - so we can't talk "there" - that sucks.  Well, I guess the anger I have been feeling over not being allowed to talk - y'all know some of it from my past blogs is NOT abating (something to talk about in counseling).  But I wish I had gotten the counseling I needed when I really needed it - like when things were falling apart from not being able to see Izzy and my anal pain doctor accusing ME of being a drug addict and he just couldn't treat me anymore!

BUT, maybe by summing up anger I can get back to the bipolar blab for the counseling sessions.  If anyone out there prays - send some extra ones up for me.  My hubbie slept through church today, so he didn't wake me - actually he was up and decided NOT to go to church - he could have woken me and saw if i wanted o go.  Next Saturday night I'm setting my clock as I don't want to miss - I don't want to go to night services as I can't drive in the dark.  I didn't sleep well last night as I had restless legs - and it's beginning to feel like I'm gonna have them again tonight.  Next internist visit, which will be with a new doc - remember my old doc left the practice - I'll have to ask for something for restless legs.