On a scale of 1-10 tonight I feel like a minus 12! I just can't get a handle back on my life right now after the "incident". I will NEVER feel "normal" again and will live in shame for the rest of my life (the PEC, not the admit - I mean the Sheriff's Officers were there to HANDCUFF me!) and the worse thing is the anal who put me there isn't suffering at ALL. So I have to live with what the anal (the ONE useful thing I learned in the "place" - evil theme music playing - was a way to curse without cursing) did to me and he's just continuing on his merry ole life without a qualm - I am wishing bi-polar, schizophrenia, fibromyalgia, peripheral neuropathy, AC tear, loss of prescribing rights, loss of his practice due to a malpractice suit, loss of the respect of EVERY doc in this town and if U can think of a crappy disease or something that won't kill Anal but just make Anal (cap is It's name - non-caps is just a description of a person) let me know! I want it alive to suffer the rest of Anal's greatly extended life - like it is the first to live to 150 in YEARS. We were told in "group" (evil theme music playing again) to write a letter then tear it up - there is not enough paper in the WORLD to rid me of my anger towards him. And YES, I realize I am only harming myself - but I don't CARE! I WILL NOT be told I can not be angry! I am pissed off too much at being told in so many words to "shut up" and "quit obsessing" and all that other crap. I am just plain out pissed! The major reason I am so pissed at him is that IF Anal had taken TEN MINUTES to explain that antidepressants and mood stabilizers have a toxic effect on each other - NONE of that would have not happened and I would not be a shamed woman the rest of my life. If you can't tell I hate his guts, his skin, his face, etc. and I PRAY I NEVER SEE IT again UR not very perceptive!
I am reading Bipolar Disorder Demystified: Mastering the Tightrope of Manic Depression (Demystified) By Lana R. Castle Release date: January, 2003 and I can say that I'm glad I'm not like the author. Her hypo-manic mood swings make mine look like a walk in the park!
I had 3 siblings (bro died 2005) and ALL FOUR of us are/were bi-polar "last name deleted" crappy butt genes that should not have NEVER, EVER been spread. Father's Mother had 15 kids - 2 died in infancy/early childhood and one as a YOUNG adult. Of these 13 only THREE are normal (and one married an alcoholic). The rest are alcoholics or just plain out crazy (bi-polar, schizophrenia, you name it). I got the plain out crazy, little sis got alcoholic (recovering) and crazy, older sis so plain out crazy it's SCARY and big bro alcoholic, drug abuser and crazy! We each only had one child - why we passed on these crappy Cupp genes (OK - I said it!) I don't know. I was not bi-polar until I was about 36 or 37. Usually it's dx as a young adult, so I was "abby normal" (name the movie where that quote comes from and you'll get - well the name of the movie!) at a VERY late age AFTER I had reproduced. Now I would not take 10 million for my son and I pray all the time he is spared by a further dilution of "normal" genes diluting out the C.C. genes, but if I had know I'd become mixed bi-polar (hypomanic and depressed at the same time - talk about FUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!) I would have maybe chosen not to. BUT he is here and I love him more than my own life and I really hope he doesn't come down with ANY of the multitude of mental illnesses that run in the C.C. family!
On a brighter note - church Valentine's party tonight and I won a prize! A set of glasses, really cute!
In this I've switched from hypo-manic to depressed in 0.5 seconds flat. For fun, see if you can tell where the switches came in and you'll win a prize - well not really! But it'd be fuuuunnnnn, fuuuunnnnn, fuuuunnnnn for U! I am planing to write up the things I wrote in the "place" (there's that evil theme music playing again. Where's it coming from?) for U to read if U want to be depressed, IF I can read what I wrote with a DULL PENCIL which is all you were allowed to have. And all you were allowed to do was WATCH TV ALL DAY LONG! There was NO therapy in this place. We got one and a half to two hours of "group" (yes, that evil theme music is playing again. Weird how it starts up????) which did about as much good as bailing out a sinking boat with a teaspoon - no a demitasse spoon. All the noise did was make me NERVOUS AS A LONG TAIL CAT IN A ROOM FULL OF ROCKERS! Well, all for tonight!
Gentle Fibro Hugs to All,
buggal
